I am a pretty good writer, and I can carry on a conversation with almost anyone pretty well. Small talk doesn’t really bother me. I love reading, especially when the author phrases things just right and can engage all my senses. I like words, but sometimes the right ones just don’t come out. Sometimes I think really hard about what to say to someone, but then when the time comes to actually get the words out, what I planned goes out the window. Or, I over-analyze a conversation ’til I really just don’t want to have it anymore. Other times, I try to go unplanned and just say it, but that backfires, too, because I end up sounding like a little kid with a very limited vocabulary who can’t quite string her thoughts together right.
I really don’t like that feeling after this kind of conversation– you know, the kind of conversation you’ve been putting off for days because you want the timing to be right and you just really don’t want to say the wrong thing or make the wrong impression. I don’t like that feeling of not actually having gotten my point across. Instead of feeling liberated by the conversation, having finally gotten “it” out, it’s like half my feelings are still balled up inside my head and it’s almost too late to go back and get a re-do because it feels like the first words– the ones that came out silly and way too casual and just not meaningful enough– those words have already been spoken.
Sometimes words just don’t seem to suffice; they seem too trivial, or too complicated, or just tiring and frustrating. I just don’t always know how to make “it” come out the way I want it to. But, a good thing about conversations where I mess up my words, or at least something redeeming, is that if you’re fortunate/lucky/blessed, then your friend/co-worker/lover/etc doesn’t even really mind that you sound like a dork or a middle-schooler. They listen, and after the 3 seconds it takes you to realize how ridiculous you think you sound, they reassure you that you are fine. At least for me, that doesn’t always keep me from wishing I could go back in time 5 minutes and fix my words, but it does make me thankful for having friends who take me as I am and get what I’m saying, no matter which words actually come out of my mouth.