I’m supposed to be writing a paper proposal right now, but obviously I am not. My mind feels too preoccupied, and all I want to do is sit down and play some guitar and think about all the good things in my life.
I have been struggling lately with letting some things go. It’s not usually too hard to find out what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling, because it’s hard for me to hold things in. After about a day or two, I end up letting everything out if I am angry or had my feelings hurt by someone. But, sometimes–or, lately–with some people, it’s just hard for me to do that. I think that maybe sometimes in the past I have been too quick to rely on my family and close friends to be emotional support for me. When I would go to them to let out my frustrations or sadness or joys, it wasn’t to garner sympathy or even for them to be happy for me– at least that wasn’t the primary goal. Mostly, it was just to have someone I trusted to lend a listening ear (sounds corny, but oh well). I think that is where I maybe should be more clear in the future. I don’t want my family or friends thinking that I am so emotional and always go to them for sympathy, because it’s honestly just to know that someone will listen– not necessarily agree with me or whatever.
Anyway, I have been struggling with this. I don’t want people to make assumptions about how I am feeling, especially when it seems like they don’t honestly care too much about it. It’s like how Annie always says she really doesn’t like when someone comes up to her and says, “Smile! Why aren’t you smiling?” I don’t care for it when someone asks me, “Are you just miserable?” based on some experience or conversation from a year or two or three before. I am not miserable. I am not sad. Why must this be assumed? I don’t get it. Just because I had some hard times in the past, or am not having the exact experience in my life as someone else who is/was happy doesn’t mean that I am miserable.
In Luke 4:18, Jesus talks about how God sent him to preach the good news and to heal the brokenhearted. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt, and like I was saying, it usually doesn’t take me too long to talk to the person about it and clear up any misunderstanding. But, other times I feel tired of having the same conversation over and over, and just don’t want to repeat myself. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather just tiptoe around, trying not to say the wrong thing that will increase my hurt and the lingering misunderstanding. Someone from an Upper Room the other day wrote:
“Wounds of the heart are unique to the person who suffers them. Some hurts we suffer are deeper than others, but every wound affects us. Sometimes the wound doesn’t heal quickly. Sometimes we recover without a scar, and sometimes the scar left behind seems never to disappear. Even when others tell us that it shouldn’t matter, it may still matter to us. But in every situation, if we turn to Christ, we will find that he still heals broken hearts.”
Sometimes it’s hard to forgive and start over when our feelings have been hurt. I am struggling with this right now. And, I know this post doesn’t make sense, but I am going to end here because, well, I’m still struggling.