I realized yesterday that there are basically only three weeks left of classes this semester. That seems unreal. I have been so busy with school the past couple weeks that I didn’t even think twice to say bye to October and now we’ve already been in November almost a week.
Like a lot of people in my position right now, I don’t know where I’ll be in six months or what I’ll be doing. In September I felt lots of motivation and enthusiasm to start taking the steps to figure that out when everything else got in the way. Needless to say, as I approach my last semester of college, of course the future is still on my radar, it’s just been a little further in the background lately.
Anyway, yesterday I managed to squeeze in part of a Peace Corps information session they were having at William and Mary’s career center because I am trying to be really open about what’s next for me . . . . For some reason the right words are not coming out at all right now. Maybe it’s because I’m pretty tired and should just go to bed. The question I have been thinking about a lot, lot, lot is this:
How do I know what is the right path for me? How do I decipher God’s voice/will from my own? Sometimes when I have a decision to make or something, I feel like coincidences (or “providential” things, as Mom says) happen, or things seem to just start coming together and I tell myself, “Maybe this is God letting me know this is right.” But, how do I figure out how to know God’s real desires for me in the midst of my own thoughts, desires, and expectations for myself?
The Peace Corps presenter was talking about Americorps, a program sort of like Peace Corps but in the United States, and she described it as “just like ‘Real World’ [the MTV show]; they drive around in vans together all the time and everything.” As she said that I honestly thought to myself, “That sounds horrible” and even made a face (that of course no one saw, but still). But then I started wondering, how do I know for sure that I would not like to do something like Americorps? I struggle with knowing how to determine God’s will in the sea of thoughts and emotions that live in my head. Am I just trying to reason that what I think I want is also what I think God wants for me? I don’t really think I would like living in a “Real World” type situation, but sometimes I wonder, are what I think are my true feelings and desires really them, or are they just my insecurities and fears talking? Am I really just making excuses for myself to not try something new?
These thoughts are not written very eloquently, and they are repeated, and just unclear. I guess that fits, because they don’t feel very eloquent or understandable in my head. Sometimes, all I want to know is how to hear/feel/know God’s voice and will above my own, or everyone else’s, so that I can grow into the person God created me to be. It’s pretty hard for me, though.