Am I the only one who has ever felt like I just really need a break from myself? That might sound funny, but last night after I tried for the fourth time to insert a DVD into the Redbox machine at Bloom and had to ask the couple behind me to please help, I honestly just wished for a little break from myself. Even though the movie return incident was very small and silly in the scheme of everything, it made me feel dumb and really annoyed for having wasted ten minutes trying to do a seemingly simple task.
I don’t always get common jokes, I am increasingly technologically-challenged, and I sometimes forget which way to insert my ID to enter a building. It’s these types of little things that normally I would not think anything of except that they contribute to my personality. (Really, I don’t actually care that I’m not the greatest working with machines.) But, lately I so easily connect them to other feelings of self-doubt– stuff like how I can’t find a job, or figure out what I want to do next, or decide what graduate program would be best for me. Writing this, I now realize that maybe I am being a little hard on myself, or at least not focusing on the right things to be critical of. To be honest, I know a job or life plan will not just fall into my lap; I actually have to do some work to figure out my options. And I have started the process of figuring it out, but I need to remember to be patient.
All I know is that last night I just felt fed up with my dumb-overly-emotional right now-self that isn’t doing anything right lately. It reminded me of that P!NK (I saw on iTunes that she spells her name like that) song called “Hazard to Myself” where she sings, “Doctor, Doctor won’t you please prescribe me something?/A day in the life of someone else/’Cause I’m a hazard to myself/Don’t let me get me/I’m my own worst enemy/It’s bad when you annoy yourself/So irritating/Don’t wanna be my friend no more/I wanna be somebody else.” I just don’t really feel like being friendly toward myself right now.
I know I have been writing a lot recently about the whats/whens/wheres of the future and how I don’t really know what’s going on. I would like to change it up a little, but those questions are on my mind all the time these days. I know I am facing some self-applied pressure to figure out what’s going on. Today I skyped with Mom about some ideas, and I hope that I’ll be able to make some visits soon and just see different options for work and graduate school. She reminded me that it’s good to have a plan, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed.
I still feel like it’d be good to have a little break from myself because every time I mess up or do something on accident, like how I just deleted a whole paragraph, I feel like I am almost fixing to crumble (not normal). This post is going nowhere and I am realizing that maybe I have not yet offered myself sufficient grace, but before I close I do want to leave a little hope from a passage that I, thankfully, came across last night.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. (Lamentations 3:22-30 from NIV and The Message)