I am so happy to report that yesterday was sunny almost all day! I have been praying for some sunshine, because I think all the rain and gloominess around here was getting me down. Yesterday on my break between classes I walked to the law library to get a book and ended up extending my walk like an hour because I just loved being out in the sun. I don’t know about y’all but my whole mood can change from just getting a little sun. As per typical Williamsburg weather, I think it is supposed to snow tomorrow. At least we got a little vitamin D in beforehand. I doubt it will do anything significant, though.
I have no smooth transitional sentence to put here, so I’ll just begin: Last week was really weird for me. A few things were going on in my head that caught me off guard, I guess. That being said, I think I finally had the epiphany that has been a real long time coming for me. I called Aubrey because I felt confused and a lot of other things. I will spare you the details, but basically he talked to me and I actually listened. I mean, I usually listen, but I actually understood what he was saying and believed him.
Sometimes it’s a lot harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others. The past four years I have let myself down. More than once. For me, the feeling of disappointment I get when I don’t live up to my potential changes to shame after a while. As time goes on, without forgiveness, the shame only grows and creates a cycle that feels really hard to escape. I don’t know why, but last Friday I believed it was time for me to forgive myself and let go of that shame that had been holding me back.
It’s hard to forgive ourselves sometimes. A lot of times. Sometimes we just need someone who loves us a lot to tell us it’s time, and that we are beautiful and worth it. Someone who will give us permission to forgive ourselves for being a person we never thought we’d be, or wanted to be. Occasionally we need a reminder that it’s not too late to start over, that we don’t have to move to a new city to renew and redeem ourselves.
So, despite the gloomy weather we’ve been having here for over a week, at the risk of sounding very corny (no surprise there, coming from me), I felt sunshiney inside. I am really thankful for that.